It's Ok Not to be Ok.
How often have you had a disagreement with your partner where it has ended with no resolution?
How about with angry words where you are sleeping in the same bed but miles apart?
Too often couples try to get their point across to one another using the “bull in the china shop” approach. They stumble through the points, hurling words like crystal plates and getting nowhere fast.
In the end, you are both left angry, hurt and bit by bit another brick in the house of resentments is being laid.
It’s worse when one partner or both says repeatedly that nothing is wrong. Eventually, a small disagreement happens and before either of them knows it, all those “I’m ok” when they aren’t comes rushing to the surface and overflows.
There are ways, however, to help you and your partner avoid this. It isn’t what we say, but how and when we say that can make the difference for you both.
Here are a few tips on things you can do to change the way you communicate. Arguing is inevitable, staying mad and resentful is a choice.
1. Address issues as they happen. It is uncomfortable but far better to tackle a pie one slice at time than try to eat it at once.
2. Use “I” statements more than “You” for example: “I am feeling like we aren’t taking the time to just connect at night” is different from “You’re always on your phone and we don’t ever spend time together”.
One expresses a real, valid concern, the other places the blame on your partners shoulders and will put them on the defense.
3. Focus only on the specific issue at hand in that moment. Couples, yours truly included in my former marriage, have a tendency when angry to remind each other of all the past indignations, hurts and wrongs.
The angrier someone is the easier it gets to lob pain at someone else, hoping they will feel what you do.
Think of it this way though. You’re emotions are much like a garden. Anger, resentment and a refusal to move forward are like planting weeds instead of flowers. It’s ok to have negative emotions but if you hold on to them they will eventually spread until you have nothing else left.
If you are still pissed off about a misunderstanding from 13 years ago, perhaps it’s time to reflect on if it’s a battle you really need or want.
4. Give yourself time to cool off before having these conversations. You have a right to feel all the feelings, just remember that very little can get resolved when you are feeling distraught.
This is where having a code word or a pause button for yourselves is a great technique. You aren’t avoiding the issue, just giving yourselves the time needed to discuss it with a clearer head and thoughts.
5. Finally if you and your partner have had a really bad day or night, make a promise to yourselves to do two things.
First, find a way to apologize to each other before you close your eyes in sleep. As someone who lost a sibling suddenly and without warning, I can assure you that if, God forbid, something happened to you or them, you will spend the rest of your life thinking “if only” and “what if.”
Second remind yourselves that each new day is like a writer with a blank journal and you can decide what to write. You can choose to hold on to anger or you can choose to take each day as it comes. Staying angry is a choice as much as choosing to forgive. One leaves you feeling bad the other allows you to grow.
Some hurts are harder to get past. I know this is true. The thing you have to always ask yourself though is “this person the one who gives me a level of happiness that I can live with and accept?”
If the answer is yes then remember that every day you spend punishing them through anger, not being affectionate or just not talking is one less day you have to experience life with someone you care for.
Don’t put off what needs to be said. It might hurt for a moment but if it leads to change that helps you be a stronger couple and grow as people, that discomfort will be worth it in the end.
