Advice Column: 10 Things

Is regular church attendance a core part of who you are? Is your partner ‘spiritual’ but not ‘religious’? Understanding where you stand on matters of faith is important. You don’t have to agree on this topic, but if you can’t agree to disagree, you’ll either end up with spirited debates, or spend your relationship so focused on trying to convert and convince that you cannot enjoy being able to coexist.

Many couples enjoy healthy partnerships that are not based on traditional societal norms. The partner who compromises his or her own views on this to please the other will always end up with resentment and hurt in the long run. Non traditional views on relationships are not wrong, but they have to be something both of you want.

As someone with PTSD this is one that took years for me to be comfortable with. Allowing myself to vulnerable with someone and share my past was allowing someone to potentially judge me, or worse, pity me. In the end though, someone who has had a traumatic past can find it cathartic and healing to open up to those they trust. Behaviors or reactions that might seem personal, can be put into context when your partner has more facts.

Does money burn a hole in your pocket the second payday hits? Is your partner the person who cringes at spending an extra $.50 cents? You have to have some fundamental commonalities with this issue or you will constantly resent and be angry with each other. If you have specific financial goals, and money is not your strong suit, can you realistically let someone help you meet those, trusting they have your best interests in mind?

No one wants to talk about death yet it is something that will happen to all. Having a candid discussion about your wishes for end of life is a must. It does not matter if you are 22 or 75, every person has specific things they want and need done when it is time for loved ones to say goodbye. Don’t leave your partner dealing with the grief of your loss and a lifetime of guilt not knowing if they did the things you would have wanted.

The chances are if you are in a newer relationship after your 30’s you will eventually date someone with children, young or grown. Couples cannot assume that because things worked one way in their home that is the way it is for everyone. Frank discussions on what your roles are, even if the kids are grown, will help you both feel like you have a voice. Remember those grown kids may some day have children of their own. Stepparent is a word that should not exist. Bonus parents are simply one more person who has come into a family with more love, wisdom and teaching to give. Know where your partner stands on this and make sure your values align.

The beginning of a relationship is sex focused. You are on that natural, chemical high. It is after, when the tasks of daily living and sharing your lives happens that couples can run into problems. If you are someone who has a high sex drive or one that is sluggish at best, it is far better to be honest upfront. Otherwise, the shift from constant need to none at all is going to feel very personal and leave either or both of you frustrated, confused and hurt. If, as you age, your needs shift or change, you must be honest with your partner. Why put yourself in a constant situation where you eventually avoid it altogether when a conversation could help you both decide what would work?

There is a joke that in divorce court more lost toothpaste caps get brought into meditations than anything else! You have to know what makes the person you are with tick in the day to day existence of life. If you are a walking, talking, hurricane of chaos who leaves a mess “Pigpen” style everywhere you go, a partner who craves order, neatness and calm is going to have a hard time. However, couples can get past this one simply by working together and helping each other. You are a team! Let strength of another balance out your weaknesses and vice versa and you’re well on your way to long term success.

There is a ton of research that shows the differences between people who are more introverted and those that are not. Nightly gatherings, staying up and talking to the wee hours of the morning, having to be “on” all the time, can feel a little bit like slow water boarding for an introvert. While many enjoy nights out with friends and being social, they also need time to decompress and be alone. The extrovert on the other hand craves the very thing they avoid. Couples with these conflicting personalities can still be healthy and solid, it just takes a little more compromise. The extrovert for example can agree to a set # of nights out a month with the understanding that their partner may go out more often with friends or on their own to satisfy what they need for peace of mind.